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Quotes said by Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Justice consists not in being neutral between right and wrong, but in finding out the right and upholding it, wherever found, against the wrong.

A vote is like a rifle: its usefulness depends upon the character of the user.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft!

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president.

To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, right or wrong - is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.

Do what you can with what you have where you are.

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not Guilty."

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