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Quotes said by Robert Benchley

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Justice consists not in being neutral between right and wrong, but in finding out the right and upholding it, wherever found, against the wrong.

A vote is like a rifle: its usefulness depends upon the character of the user.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft!

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president.

To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, right or wrong - is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.

Do what you can with what you have where you are.

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not Guilty."

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