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Quotes said by Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look ... twins!

Justice consists not in being neutral between right and wrong, but in finding out the right and upholding it, wherever found, against the wrong.

A vote is like a rifle: its usefulness depends upon the character of the user.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft!

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president.

To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, right or wrong - is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.

Do what you can with what you have where you are.

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not Guilty."

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